["Where The Devil Don't Stay" by Drive-By Truckers plays]
Put your hands together for Jim Norton!
Yeah!
Thank you.
I was in the casino yesterday with a friend of mine
and he asked me an interesting question.
He goes, "How can you tell which women out here are hookers?"
And I thought about it and I'm like,
"Well, normally if I smile and she smiles back...
that's the tell."
You don't need to send in the police, big investigation, I'll handle this.
"Hello."
"Hi."
"She's one."
I was watching a documentary
recently about Flat Earthers
that was fascinating.
I don't know if anybody saw this, there are people
who believe the Earth is flat.
The documentary is called Assholes.
But I had to watch it.
I'm like, I have to see if people really believe this.
And not only do they believe it, they're adamant and they tell people,
like, "You've been lied to your whole life.
They're lying about the shape of the Earth."
And all I keep thinking is, "Why would anybody lie...
about the shape of the Earth? Who wins?"
When did this start? Years ago, someone's like,
"Look, I know it's flat, you know it's flat,
but if we can convince people..."
I'm dying to talk to a Flat Earther.
There's so many questions. Like, I'm trying to go with it.
Maybe it is-- If it's flat, what happens when you look underneath it?
What do you see? Just a bunch of Australians and Chinese people
hanging by their feet like bats?
I mean, if it was flat the water would run off it
and horses would fall off it because animals are stupid.
But they have an answer for that. The Flat Earthers have an answer.
They say the reason the water stays on and nothing falls off
is because we are surrounded by a snow-covered mountain range.
And I was like, "All right.
I was worried you were going to sound stupid."
That makes perfect sense, that we live on a serving tray
surrounded by mashed potatoes.
But they're not hateable.
I enjoy-- I didn't dislike them at all,
because a lot of conspiracy theorists annoy me
because you're denying someone else's pain.
9/11 conspiracy, Newtown conspiracy...
They're denying that somebody else has had a tragedy.
These guys don't hurt anybody.
No one is mad that they're talking about the Earth...
They're not like, "Hey, the Earth is flat."
There's no one going, "Shut the fuck up!
I haven't sold a globe in six months. Shut up!"
Here's my problem with the whole theory and conspiracies in general.
If it's true,
do you understand how many people have to be in on the lie?
Like, Flat Earth is by far the biggest conspiracy
ever conceived of.
Because there's millions of people, not just the government,
not just the NSA,
not just the FBI...
People you wouldn't think of that have to be involved.
Boat captains.
Every boat captain who's ever lived
has to be sat down, this has to be explained to...
I don't even mean just naval admirals.
I mean every white trash Carnival Cruise captain.
They have to sit 'em down and go,
"Look, you're going to be sailing across the ocean.
You're gonna see mountains.
Just... turn around, come back.
Don't say anything."
I saw a great documentary on Ted Bundy. Did anybody see that?
That was a four-hour...
four-part Ted Bundy documentary.
And they said originally he wanted to be an attorney or a politician,
and when I heard that, the whole thing kind of made sense.
Like, all right, he actually took the more admirable route.
Yeah, he did!
Yeah!
And I've seen about 30 documentaries on Ted Bundy and I got to be honest,
I'm a little sick and tired of the hero worship
we have of serial killers in this country.
I say "we" 'cause I've been guilty of it, too.
But you can tell it's more than just curiosity and voyeurism.
It's admiration.
You can tell by the language used in the documentaries.
They don't talk about Ted Bundy the way they should talk about Ted Bundy.
If they were speaking about him honestly,
every sentence would start with, "And then this piece of shit..."
But they don't do that.
They give the obligatory, "He was wicked, he was evil..."
But then they find almost admirable qualities and they harp on them.
First of all, his intellect.
They can't stop talking about his intellect,
which was overrated. He was not that bright.
They're like, "Ted Bundy was so intelligent,
he escaped from jail twice..."
Do you know how he escaped from jail the first time?
The window was open and he jumped out.
That's how a cat or a bird
would escape from prison.
You're not a mastermind if you're in jail
and you see an open window and you're like, "Freedom is that way!"
They called him a genius.
'Cause I think they like the idea of the wicked genius.
They actually said, "Ted Bundy was a genius,
he acted as his own attorney."
They executed him.
He sucked as a lawyer.
You're not a genius if you get the worst-- He couldn't have done worse. He got the...
If he had hired an orangutan to represent him,
and it just shit in its own hand and mushed it in the face of the jury,
it would have gotten the same sentence
Ted got making an effort.
And collectively can we agree? Stop harping on his appearance.
He was an average-looking guy,
but they can't stop talking about, "My God, he was charming.
Ted Bundy was so handsome."
No, he wasn't!
He was handsome in that pool of people.
Okay?
In the group of men who have murdered and raped 40 or more women...
Ted's a catch.
Ted's a nine.
But how about some kind, understanding words
for the rest of us?
How about a little leeway for other average men?
I realize I'm only a five,
but I never hit a girl with a hammer before I fucked her.
You know what's interesting?
I've seen 30-plus Ted Bundy documentaries, and after all those documentaries,
not one article is written saying maybe it's detrimental for the culture.
Not one social media campaign is started
attempting to punish the directors or the producers
or to criticize them for making these documentaries.
Everybody is okay with it.
But if Bill Maher does a racist joke,
or Louis makes fun of the Parkland shooting,
or Chappelle makes fun of LGBT issues, people lose their fucking minds.
My God.
"Comedy has gone too far.
Comedians have got to stop.
This is damaging the culture, cancel these comedians.
Hold on, I'd like to hear Ted's take.",
It's fucking psychotic.
I'm not saying the documentaries shouldn't exist,
I'm just pointing out the mental illness the country is going through
thinking that humor is somehow contributing to dangerous behavior.
- Yes! - It's not.
And they're saying things like, "Well, comedians should punch up."
How come comedians are the only ones hearing this shit?
How come authors don't have to punch up?
Stephen King kills children in his books.
Do you know how pissed off people would be if It was a comedy?
How come actors don't have to punch up?
They'll go back and grab a comedian's tweet from ten years ago
and try to crucify him.
They never do that to actors.
You can play any role,
no matter how barbaric, and it's totally acceptable.
Zac Efron played Ted Bundy.
And people are fine with it.
If you do a rape joke, people are like, "You're a pig, don't ever talk about that.
Zac, great job.
You really look like you... Did you rape and kill that girl?
You really look like you raped her and killed her.
My girlfriend threw up. Man, you are an artist."
And then they give you this bullshit, "Well, if you make a joke about something,
it creates and fosters an environment
where that behavior somehow seems acceptable
and it might encourage somebody..." Which is such shit.
No rape has ever been caused because of something
a stand-up comedian has said.
It's just not the way it works. I've never heard a rape victim going,
"It was terrible, he came in, he was laughing."
You know what might inspire a rapist?
Thirty documentaries about a rapist, where they call him a handsome genius.
That might be encouraging to a rapist.
And, you know, I am single at the moment.
Um...
Probably not the best segway into dating.
But, you know, Me Too, the movement definitely has validity to it,
but it's made dating a little bit scary. Like, every man is nervous.
And it's not the obvious things that scare men,
it's not what a lot of people think.
We're not wondering, "Gee, did I ever rape somebody?
Did I ever drug somebody's drink and assault-- " Of course not!
Unless you've done that shit,
you're not thinking you've done it.
Most men are now listening to when women are talking
and you're telling us these internal monologues
you were having on dates
that a lot of us might not have been aware of.
You're saying things like, "I was on a date.
It was okay.
I was slightly uncomfortable.
We were kissing
and he put my hand on his penis
and I didn't like it but I didn't say anything,
and then he took it out and I...
I touched it but I wanted to go home,
I was a little frightened."
And you're being honest, but guys are like,
"I didn't fucking... I had no idea."
I was taught no means no. So you look out for the word "no."
If you're on a date, she pulls a whistle out of her purse,
be a gentleman, go home.
And the subtleties of what is acceptable changes with every generation.
Like, how many of our grandfathers would have made it through a Me Too discussion?
You ever hear your grandparents talk about how they met?
It's a horrifying story.
"Grandma, did you love him when you first met him?"
"No."
"Why'd you go out with him?"
"I was afraid.
He wouldn't take no for an answer.
He kept showing up at my job drunk and starting fires in the hallway. I...
I was seeing a fellow, your grandfather put him in a coma with a wrench."
And we hear that and we're like, "He loved you. How romantic!"
And I feel so good right now.
I came out of a horrible depression.
I know a lot of people go through it. It's not uncommon.
Anyone go through that type of depression
where you got to give yourself a pep talk every morning? You know the type?
Where you wake up every morning and you gotta go,
"Belt around the waist,
not around the neck."
Wow, more than I would have thought. All right.
Or the train pulls into the station, you gotta gently back up against the wall.
"Don't do it. Don't do it.
You got to wipe your hard drive first. Don't do it."
Yeah!
And I'm glad I didn't do it.
So, please, don't think I'm up here killing myself.
I'm just spitballing ideas with you.
First of all, I feel too good to even consider that.
But, second of all, I've always been scared, not of being dead,
but of attempting suicide and failing.
'Cause you're never in better shape
after a failed suicide attempt.
No one's ever like, "You look great, have you been to the gym?"
Like, "No, I tried to kill myself!" "Fuck!
You really look good."
There's been dark moments.
There's been moments
where if in my mind I knew it would be fast, I would have done it.
There's been a lot of times where if I knew
that I could just jump in front of a train... Train! Dead!
I would have taken that option, but...
even in those sad moments, I knew I don't have that kind of luck.
Um...
I'm not graceful.
It would... Something would go wrong, you know, it wouldn't be quick.
Train! Dead!
"Nope, it's dragging me. It's dragging me."
My fucking face would be bouncing over the railroad tracks.
They'd find me a mile down,
crumpled under a subway car.
"Relax, sir. We're going to get you out!"
"That's great news, fellas.
I have no feet or shoulders."
And I can see when I do this bit, a couple of people are kind of like...
"Come on, Jim, shoot yourself.
Why make everybody late for work?"
Now, I would never shoot myself.
First of all, I don't own a gun.
Look, I believe in the Second Amendment.
If you are mentally and emotionally qualified,
you should be able to have a firearm.
I remove myself from that equation because I know I can't handle it.
I spike too high and I dip too low, and I would misuse it.
Even in good times. You know, to celebrate, like I know...
it would be a problem.
They wouldn't even sell me one. I'd walk in, they'd be like,
"What model would you like?" "I don't know. Let me see how it fits."
But again, I would never shoot myself,
simply because too many people try to shoot themselves and live.
We've all seen those stories.
Guy's wife is having an affair,
he gets depressed and puts a pistol under his chin,
blows out the back of his mouth, the back of his eyes,
wakes up in the hospital in a month.
- You can't eat, you're blind... - Right!
At that point, you have to feel like such a silly goose.
'Cause you know she's not coming back now.
If she was fucking other people when you had a face...
Hose in the exhaust pipe seems kind of quick and easy, doesn't it?
You just kind of zone out and fade away.
If I ever killed myself that way,
I would wind up putting on a song that I have no attachment to
just to fuck my family up for the rest of their lives.
I'd write, like, "Listen to the words."
It would be, like, "Alejandro" by Lady Gaga and I just...
For the next 30 years, "What was he trying to tell us?
I don't know!"
Hanging yourself, now that seems like a really, really...
That's a dicey way to go because, again, that's probably
how I would do it,
but there's different schools of thought on that.
Like, some guys hang themselves and they kick the chair out.
I am not that type of person.
I'm not that committed.
'Cause I know that I'd be swinging, trying to grab the chair, like... "
Come on, now. I was kidding!"
I'm not committed enough.
Aaron Hernandez of the Patriots, when he hung himself in jail,
he was doing life in prison, he was never getting out.
He really,
really, I mean, made sure that they couldn't rescue him.
He put cardboard in the door so they could not save him,
he squirted shampoo on the floor because this way if the guards came in
they would not be able... Or maybe just to amuse himself as he's dying.
It's like watching a Three Stooges sketch.
But he really planned it.
I was in awe.
I'm like, "That is the level of commitment that made him
such a great football player."
And I did these jokes and a woman came up to me after a show,
and she goes, "Can I talk to you about those suicide jokes?"
And immediately I was annoyed
because I figure she's going to try to rescue me, which I don't need,
or she's going to try to lecture me on how
"Suicide isn't funny and you shouldn't joke about it."
I already know suicide's not funny.
A subject doesn't have to be funny on its own
in order to be talked about on a stage.
That's not how comedy works.
You're all going to leave here exactly as you walked in.
None of you are gonna change who you are. You're not going to walk out saying,
"I didn't realize suicide was so hilarious.
I can't stop smiling thinking of
all the lives it shatters."
So she's like "I want to talk to you." And I'm like, "What?"
And she goes, "Have you heard about people committing suicide in convertibles,
where they're tying a rope around a tree,
and the other end around their neck and they floor it?"
Thank you.
And the last thing I will say,
is we're a very divided country and it's kind of
startling how divided we are
and I didn't realize how divided we are.
I never realized how much people didn't like each other
until I was on a dating app and I saw the political ideology
taking precedent over everything else.
Fifteen different women had things on their on their profile,
like, "Hey, if you voted for Trump don't swipe on my profile."
And I'm like, "Wow, do people care that much about who you voted for?"
- But, I guess they do, right? - Yeah.
Like, I didn't happen to vote for Trump,
but if I had voted for him, and I wanted to have sex with you,
I would lie.
You're really overvaluing politics in my life.
Like, what do you think? You're going to slide your panties off,
and I'm gonna be like, "
back on till we talk about this trade deal with China."
No, I'm going to lie to your face
and then as I'm wiping your back off, I'll yell, "Make America great again!"
Thank you guys very much. I appreciate it.
Thanks, everybody. Thank you.
[Where The Devil Don't Stay" plays]